Baring my soul and letting go

By: gaylelin

Jan 12 2014

Category: Uncategorized

1 Comment

Number One Son, in whom I am well-pleased, reminded me last night that I don’t have to put everything on Facebook. That is true. When I want to contact the most people in the shortest time, though, it seems to be my best option. This time, one will have to be interested enough to follow the link away from Facebook. I need to do this to put it all behind me.
I started a fund raiser to help a young man from Ethiopia with whom I was co-writing a book. I wanted him to move to a safer place than where he is right now as a refugee, I unleashed a bloodbath beyond my wildest imagination, First of all, I was doing this despite lectures from my children about internet scams. I had admitted sending money to him, but each time I was the one who initiated the gifts.  The fundraising site doesn’t do decimals, and I wasn’t aware. My request for a donation toward $5,000 showed up as a request to raise $500,000. My children went bonkers, and I don’t blame them.
The heat was on, and I knew I needed to act in secret if I didn’t want the lectures, so I made an awful, tragic mistake. I not only manipulated one child, but lied to all but one of the others. My plans were exposed when my bank called one of my children, citing their red flags.
It was at this moment, a piece of my heart knew she’d been manipulated. This is surely the biggest regret of my life.
Leading up to this bad act, I allowed all emails and chat messages from Isaiah to go through a filtering system, and they got a few red flags of their own. I felt betrayed. We had discussed scams several times when I would question him about some comment he’d made. He’d get most indignant when I questioned his honor. This is when I posted to Facebook, thanking all or those who did NOT contribute to my cause, since there was some question as to its veracity.
One of the criteria for healing my family is to cut all ties with Isaiah. I will do that. It means sacrificing the last five months of intensive writing.
Isaiah requested that I delete that post from Facebook. He thinks in the world of technology he is presented as untruthful, and points out it should be on my conscience to make it right. That is the reason for this blog post. I want him to be at peace, and I truly think he is innocent. I think his phrasing, like others who use English as a second language, can cause red flags.
Below is the thread of a conversation with the few people who responded to the post that I deleted.

Conversation started Saturday
1/11, 12:14pm

Gayle Gardner Lin You are getting this message because you commented on my post about my Ethiopian co-author. The post maligns him and is very unfair. I was the first to suggest sending money to him. It was so he could have a laptop and could get large files to me easily. The other two times I sent him money, were for rent and food.
The problem is that I lied to my kids and told them I had not sent him any money. I manipulated a child and got discovered and broke some hearts. I regret it more than anything I’ve done in my life. In Isaiah’s defense, he told me I should never lie to my children. 
In order to re-earn my children’s trust, I had to cut all ties with him. This means I have to abandon several months of very intensive writing. It’s a no-brainer, as difficult as it is.  
Isaiah is a devout Christian (verification) and is grieving now. Please remember him in your prayers.
Please forgive me for my shortcomings.
1/11, 12:23pm

Hugh McCormack Gayle, 
I’m so sorry and I’m still very confused, but not asking for anything in the way of clarification. You do not owe me an apology for anything and that is all I will say. If an apology were appropriate I’d take it, but it is gratuitous in my case and puzzles me that you even feel it necessary. 
I am so sorry that this has not worked out, but I am equally convinced it is your large heart that got you here and that is a boon to us all. 
Much Love to you Gigi, 
Your steadfast friend, 
Hughie xoxo
1/11, 12:25pm

Hugh McCormack If you were taken advantage of, then it is ‘Isa’ that should be apologizing to all and sundry, as it matters to us what happens to our Gigi.
1/11, 1:09pm

Gayle Gardner Lin He took some advantage, but even my kids will tell you that’s not the problem. I ask for forgiveness because I’m sure that learning I’m bad enough to manipulate and lie to my own children makes me a charlatan and not the person you thought you knew. Thank you for your support. They tell me to stop beating up on myself, but I can’t forgive me yet.
1/11, 1:41pm

Hugh McCormack No you believed and they were skeptical, and so they wished to protect their Mom whose heart is large. If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t have kept at it. 
What damage have you done them? (Other than withholding, probably the fact that you sent him some money). 
Most people would have done the same when faced with a wall of skeptics. The opportunist here would probably be Isa, though I can see even now that you do not lump him entirely in the charlatan category as you do yourself. Are there no alternative interpretations for Gigi when there are for Isa. Of course there are. 
You are not diminished on iota in my esteem for what that’s worth. And I don’t go around freely dispensing my esteem gratuitously. So there! 
Your younger brother, 
Hughie xo
1/11, 1:58pm

Gayle Gardner Lin I manipulated my daughter into staying in her car while I was in the bank, and then lied to her about what transpired in there.
 She’s on all of my documents, so when she got home, the bank called her to share their “red flags” with her.
That’s the biggie. They don’t hate Isaiah; they wish him well. This is to “prove by my actions” that my family is worth more to me. They think I was obsessed with him. One of them was freaky enough to ask me if I were in love with him. I told her she could win my laugh out loud award with that one.
Thankfully, the patriarch, Number One Son, says he can easily see how a firm, non-sexual bond can come about while working together so diligently. He would have allowed me to continue with the book, but my daughter (the core of my heart) was devastated.
1/11, 2:12pm

Hugh McCormack Devastated is a strong word. OK, you lied and manipulated while committing an act of kindness. So let her take you out back and paint ball you. 
I can see that you are traveling via the quickest road to redemption, by not sugar-coating your actions one bit. That is good. A fulsome apology, and time will take care of the rest. So you’re in the dog house. That’s punishment enough, and you love her, and I’m sure you are devastated to have this check mark on your Mom transcript as well. That’s also punishment enough. If she needs to rail at you and I’m sure she has, I’m sure you’re smart enough to zip it and take it. 
The humiliation is enough Gigi. It really is. Take your licks and let time do its work. 
Mom used to call me Number One Son (while using a Chinese accent, which I think I – as the family cut-up and patriarch) probably initiated. Dad left when I was six, so I was the man o the house whether I wanted it or not. 
Much Love Always, 
1/11, 5:02pm

Gayle Gardner Lin I was also married to a Number One Son, and he even looked the part. hehehe

  Silent Daughter is speaking now. She won’t rail at me. I wish she would.
•    1/12

Jackie B Robins I think as we grow older we do a lot of things with our heart and push caution aside and it is something we hope with all our heart will work out. You do not have to be in love with someone to help them, if so the church missions would be broke. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make a difference in someone’s life and helping them if we can. Their are so many horror stories out there of the elderly getting taken that it makes it easy for our kids and loved ones to be cautious. That “elderly” isn’t us that is “old people”. I was ready to help a classmate (without my family’s knowledge) when my daughter became so sick and could no longer work and the money was needed there. We have to accept we can change nothing that has happened and forgiveness is there for us. Maybe they call this 2nd childhood because we act like a 15-16 yr old and throw caution to the wind. You are okay; you are a great person to all your children, and I am sure you always will be because you are great to us. We love you.

Gayle Gardner Lin I weep at the kindness of your words. I plan to share this if you will give me your permission.

John Creamer My mind keeps coming back to the concept that old Greek had five words which translate into “love”. The basis of each denoted the relationship ( god-like love, spousal love, familial love, self love and societal love). Each person can experience/exhibit all five types. All of us on this thread recognize Gayle as a passionate person, with the ability for intense levels of “love”. No doubt. I do not know nor can I see a clear picture of Isaiah. This places fear in my heart for you as you demonstrate a level of love higher than your children expect for themselves and a higher love then I expected you to give to yourself. Your level of self-loathing and it’s continuation tells me you are not ready to place your children’s trust above Isaiah’s needs. This is where my love for you, tells me, you are in danger. You need to know you have helped this person more than almost anyone. He has benefited from you tremendously. Now is the time for you to cherish the acts of love you have given him, to love yourself. And now provide those acts of love your family needs to see toward them which will remove this “fear” from their hearts.

Gayle Gardner Lin You make me weep with your kind words. I would like to share this, if you don’t mind.

John Creamer First, I do love you. I have experienced this intense love from you and your family. Please do not weep. Second, I do not regret a word, so I would not hesitate having you share this with others.

Gayle Gardner Lin Thank you

John Creamer Thank you. For you and your family are a lot of who I am today.
Jackie B Robins
•    Anything I say to you can be used anyway you want for those words are true words to you and for you so they become yours. Find peace with this in your heart and life my friend as you did not intend to hurt anyone only to help someone you felt in need.
Hugh McCormackditto me